emet_sulk | [avalon] IC Inbox

He can feel Hythlodaeus' eyes on him but he steadfastly keeps his on the ground. He knew it: his deeds are too horrific to be forgiven. Not that he expected any - but he's afraid to delve deeper into his past, afraid to see the love and affection turn to horror, afraid that his friend will stop seeing him as Hades and start seeing him as the monster he truly is.

Rather than wait for that inevitable cut-off, he lashes out pre-emptively.

"Speak of what?" he snaps. "Of how I fought in wars and killed men and women with my own two hands? Of how I ordered the deaths of thousands upon thousands many more to expand Garlemald's might and territory? Of turning a blind eye to the abuse and discrimination 'twixt Garlean and conquered peoples because I wanted rebellion, I wanted instability? Everything I involve myself in turns to dust, Hythlodaeus. Whether that's nations, lovers, or even the children I sire. All fades away. All perish - and someday, I, too, will join them. Even if I do not deserve it."

The bitter tension radiating from Hades, his terse tone and cruel words make Hythlodaeus's stomach drop. He does not, cannot comprehend the things his friend is talking about - so distant is the mortal world to him with its violence and ever-present death. Yet even if his mind and heart refuse to accept it, imagination paints its scenes of cruelty before him - of Hades killing others, of bodies piled up in burning cities, of conflict and suffering...

It's a lot to take in, a lot to think about, all the more difficult because of being unable to distance himself from the situation emotionally. Hythlodaeus exhales deeply, stays silent for a time, hands curling into fists uncertainly. What is he meant to do here?

But despite Hades's protestations, Hythlodaeus refuses to see his friend as someone willing to watch all such things dispassionately. If he had changed that much, Hythlodaeus would have noticed. Wouldn't he?..

In contrast to the other man, he raises his head to look up at the sky, finally finding his voice. His words are quiet but firm - if Hades means to be stubborn in his defeatism, Hythlodaeus has more than enough stubborness to go in the opposite direction. Ever they would balance each other...

"I have not faded away yet. I have not perished yet. It may be different in your time, but here and now, I am alive."

Putting it into words like that makes something twist in his chest. Hythlodaeus sucks in a deep breath, turns abruptly to grab Hades by the shoulders, his grip almost painful.

"So don't you dare."

His lips pull back into a snarl. He tries to wrest away but Hythlodaeus' grip is too tight.

"You've done a fine job of attempting to woo me, Hythlodaeus, but it won't last. We both know this. Or are you telling me you're happy to be seen in the company of one who has sent so many to their deaths?"

The last bit is said loudly enough to draw a few eyes, but thankfully they seem to think better than to interject, instead hurrying on past the apparently-quarrelling couple.

Hades glares up at his friend meanwhile. "I'm only indulging this," he says past gritted teeth, "because 'twill mean nothing in the end. There is nothing waiting for me past this moment. I have been craving death for centuries and thought I had found it, only to be resurrected to play out some farcical, sexual fantasy in an obscene city! And now-- now you're here. As if the fates hadn't been cruel enough already."

He balls up his fists, nails digging hard enough into his palm to almost draw blood. "What point is there to a romance that will last a year, if that?" he hisses. "I might as well die now and save us both the heartbreak."

Well, if Hades has been wondering about what else might render Hythlodaeus speechless, all of that was quite enough. He draws back, face growing pale, his expression beyond hurt and shocked. He was expecting an outburst, but nothing of that magnitude.

He seems to struggle to find words for a time, his lips trembling as his mind races to--piece of all this together, understand what his friend is trying to say... or rather, trying to hide. Oh, if only he would be willing to meet Hythlodaeus halfway, at least once in his damn life, at least in something as serious as this.

He bites at his lip to the point of pain, feeling the anger well up in him - and maybe it's too hard not to give in to it.

"Indulging this?.. Do you think me a child to fool with pretty words and empty promises 'til I leave you alone, content in my delusion? If I am so much nothing to you, then why did you agree to this? You had every right to turn me down. You did not. And now you would blame me and hide because you fear pain?"

He reaches out to grab Hades's collar, pulling the man towards himself roughly.

"Twelve, hundred, thousand millennia, I care not: how dare you let yourself forget me? How dare you think me so shallow? No, you've made your choice, Agesandros. And you shall live with it, be it for a year, be it for less or longer. And I swear to the stars themselves that if you dare run, I shall hunt you down myself. Don't think I won't."

His expression twists in anguish. He reaches up to grip Hythlodaeus' wrists, his heart beating so erratically he feels short of breath.

"Forget you? Forget you?! I couldn't forget you even if I wanted to, you absolute buffoon of a man!" he shouts. "When I crafted your shade, I gave you and you alone the self-awareness to carry out my final will. But I am not such a fool as to think that you would ever return my love after learning the full scope of my deeds. I destroyed seven worlds, Hythlodaeus, and brought about the ruin of several civilisations besides. Is that the sort of man you fell in love with? Is it?!"

His hands are shaking and there's bile rising in his throat, but he ignores it. Shoves the feeling down and locks it tight and tells himself again that he deserves every sort of judgement he gets for what he has done. And yet, staring up at his friend's face, he finds himself grabbing their own shirt front, yanking them down, and kissing them full on the mouth.

He parts shortly after, entire body trembling.

"Don't be mistaken," he whispers. "I have loved you for a very long time. You and Azem both. I planned to make you happy for as long as we remained here. That's all."

Whatever reply Hythlodaeus might have readied dies on his lips, both literally and metaphorically, when Hades kisses him--yet at the same time he cannot help thinking that no, he really hasn't changed. What an utter fool, the same as he's ever known him. The sheer physical surprise lasts long enough, however, that Hythlodaeus does not have the chance to return the kiss, but maybe it's for the best, because Hades's next words just cement the understanding in his mind. Same as ever. Same as ever.

Instead of replying, he leans in again to press a kiss to the third eye and then pulls his friend into a hug, resting his cheek against the side of his head - at least this way Hades won't need to notice his tears, even if they're not particularly ones that Hythlodaeus would want to hide.

"Twelve thousand years, and you are still just as clumsy at expressing how you feel."

Hythlodaeus doesn't think he knows anyone else who would mix together wanting to make someone happy and so vehemently denying any worth of the relationship.

Affectionate as he feels, however, it's not like he can even afford to ignore Hades's words. The scope of it still feels surreal to him, and he knows that he cannot in good conscience promise his friend forgiveness or absolution.

But at the same time, damn him if he'll just let him stew in the self-hatred and fear of affection.

"...Though 'tis true I do not know nor understand the full scale of your deeds, this I can say: from what I have seen of you, you are still very much the man I knew. Older, bitter, beaten down, but still as stubborn and foolish and caring. And you should know that 'tis my duty as your friend not to run from your mistakes and misdeeds, but judge and scold and bring you back."

His breath catches in his throat. The Warriors of Light have hugged him before, showed their affections in their own small ways, and this hug feels no different. His eyes heat up, threatening to shed tears into his friend's long hair. But...tempted though he is to return the hug, he finds he cannot. His arm hovers over Hythlodaeus' back...and then falls back to his side.

"Why...?"

Why are you so kind?

It's too much to bear: tears begin to roll silently down his cheeks.

He exhales, softly, fondly, as he wraps his arms around his friend tighter, bringing up a hand to stroke through his hair. The motion and slight shift of position at least help shield Hades from outside view somewhat; Hythlodaeus can't help wishing he'd waited until they were back so they would have some privacy for their little scene at least.

"Because I love you, you old fool. And should you forget again, I shall remind you. In public and so floridly that the embarrassment you feel will never let you forget again."

Oh.

His cheeks colour and he quickly hides his face in the crook of Hythlodaeus' neck. He had temporarily forgotten that they were in public. Now that his attention has been drawn to it, it feels like there a multitude of eyes on their persons, judging or perhaps silently commenting on the odd pair and their outburst.

"Shut up," he grouses. "If you do that, I will refuse to speak to you."

He makes a small but profoundly irritating smug hum, his lips stretching in a grin. That's more like it.

"Whatever shall I do at such cruel refusal? Here I thought to shower you with flowers! Picked by myself, worry you not, not bought ones." Hythlodaeus chuckles, patting his friend's hair again. What a good thing that he is so easy to embarrass and annoy.

"Let us go home, Agesandros. Before I make you dance here with me."

As if readying to execute his threat, he shifts his hold on the man, one arm around his waist, the other hand on his shoulder.

Now well and truly unseated from his low mood, he quickly snatches Hythlodaeus' arm and pivots on his heel, dragging his incorrigible friend along behind him and back to the inn. He hopes the flush in his cheeks is associated with the chilly air and nothing else.

"Fine, fine! Then stop dawdling and hurry up already!" he snaps.

Let no-one know that he's wondering what sort of flowers Hythlodaeus would pick to shower him with.

He laughs easily as he follows, his own spirits lifted considerably. Whatever Hades might think, as long as this works he's still very much the same as ever.

"I did not know you could move so fast for anything that is not running off for a nap, Hades!~"

Thankfully, it's not far to their inn anymore, but Hythlodaeus still needs to catch his breath once they get to their room, both from their fast pace and his own laughter.

"Well now, I would say that was quite the successful outing!"

Once they have finally reached the relative privacy of their shared room, he heaves a deep sigh. Of course Hythlodaeus still has a font of energy to draw from.

"Now I truly do feel up for a nap..."

He bends to unlace his shoes and toes them off by the door. The emotional ride has left him feeling drained and the bed does look quite inviting. He starts to drag his feet there, slouching tiredly.

Hythlodaeus only chuckles as he takes off his own coat and shoes. Hades's desire for a nap every time after having to deal with his friend's antics is all too familiar, as well, and there's a lot of comfort to be found in such familiarity.

But he's still a little... well, not frustrated as such, but Hythlodaeus does wish that he could have done something openly affectionate in public, as much to embarrass his friend--his partner as to actually prove his feelings.

So before Hades reaches the bed, Hythlodaeus is gonna grab his hand, step around him softly and draw him in for a kiss: soft, affectionate, yet that little bit insistent as Hythlodaeus slides a hand up to cup Hades's face.

He's caught off-guard by the gesture, freezing for a split second before he relaxes. Here, he doesn't have to care who may be watching. So he closes his eyes and leans in, stomach fluttering with renewed warmth.

He smiles happily against Hades's lips at the return of the gesture before kissing him again. He doesn't deepen it, instead content to focus on being affectionate, pressing several kisses to his friend's lips, to the corners of his mouth, to his cheeks. He draws back a little after that, still holding him close.

"Is that enough to remind you I love you yet? Or is there more I must needs do?"

He sucks in a short breath and looks aside. "I...never doubted that you did. Only that you would change your mind once you saw that I no longer matched whatever fanciful image of me you had in your head."

After a few beats, he meets his friend's eyes again. "I meant it, you know. I would take you to bed if you were ever willing."

He was going to offer an answer, up until that addition. Hythlodaeus colours instantly, staring at his friend in mute shock and embarrassment. That... That is sure a transition of topic. To give Hades his due it's not irrelevant, but it certainly is a very different angle to the situation.

It takes him a while to compose himself enough to be able to speak again. He exhales slowly, gives his friend a half-flustered, half-amused smile.

"Did you pick up the habit of such... rapid changes of subject from me? 'Tis quite disorienting to hear it from you."

Hythlodaeus's expression grows a little more serious, however, almost wistful as he gently combs through a lock of Hades's hair.

"And I believe you should already know the answer to the conditional. But what you should also know is that 'tis not sharing a bed with you that I wished for." Another sigh as he draws back slightly. "'Twas why I felt so hurt. For centuries upon centuries I knew that you only saw me as a friend, and to be offered mere physical connection over that... well. I think I needn't elaborate."

He stares at Hythlodaeus with confusion writ clear upon his face. If coupling is not what his friend wants then what...?

He hesitates. "You mean to say that...you would have liked us to become as one?"

It's the only other possibility which comes to mind.

Well, that is clearly even more embarrassing, because Hythlodaeus leans back, crossing his arms as if to hug himself, face red. How in the world can Hades be so sharp and yet so patently stupid at the same time, he'll never know.

"I... 'twould be a lie if I said I did not think of that." And the thought is horribly tempting, almost intoxicating, even now. He can't help feeling a pang of regret at the fact they are both stripped of the abilities that would let them do that.

No, focus, that's not going to be of any help here. Hythlodaeus takes a deep breath, trying to stable himself, then reaches out to take one of Hades's hands in both of his own. If his friend is that blind, well. He'll just have to be extra clear.

"What I mean to say is that I was--and still am--in love with you, although I would say that the love I feel for you is rather greater than mere eros. I wanted, and still do, to be your lover and partner for however long the stars would give us. To stay by your side for all of our lives. Must I elaborate further?"

He's trying very hard not to underestimate just how stupid his friend can be at times.

The words clearly tick over very slowly in Hades' mind. There is a protracted silence, during which his expression undergoes several interesting changes as Hythlodaeus' intent sinks in.

"Y-You mean to say--" Hades would honestly have continued to deny it outright if they hadn't just gone on a date. His cheeks are just as red as his friend's, if not more. "That is-- For the rest of...? I..."

For once, the words don't come fluently to him. He feels wretched. Deep longing wars with self-loathing. Does he deserve this happiness?

Internally, Hythlodaeus breathes out a sigh of relief. He was worried about whether or not clear-cut words would be enough to get the point across. He takes Hades's hand, sitting down on the bed and pulling his friend down to sit next to him.

"I did begin to wonder whether or not I would have to ask you if you remember what an eternal bond is. But... yes."

Hythlodaeus stays quiet for a short while, looking at nothing, curiously at peace even if his face is still pretty flushed.

"...Of course, I would have preferred to ask in a different setting, and not nearly so quickly. But I do wish to stay with you for as long as I can, Hades. And if the time we may have here is like to be brief... then mayhaps 'tis all the more fitting that you know as soon as possible."

He sighs, a smile finding its way back on his features.

"All that said, there is your explanation for why I reacted the way I did. As I imagine you would, had Azem suddenly offered you a place in their bed with no prior indication they may feel aught other than companionship towards you."

He flicks a lock of Hades's hair jokingly. Do you get it yet, you senile old man.

He looks away quickly, lips pressed together tightly. Azem - or rather, the Warriors - had, in fact, done something just like that, and he had assumed they simply wanted carnal fulfilment. So he understands very well.

"I apologise," he says, lips barely moving. "I have lived amongst the mortal races for so long that I must have adopted some of their...behaviours. But even so - an eternal bond? You would go that far...?"

Hythlodaeus hums thoughtfully, then wraps an arm around Hades's shoulder, making his friend lean onto him.

"I hold no grudge towards you, you old fool. I believe we've already more than made up for the misunderstanding," he adds with a smile. "But... yes. I would."

He slowly rubs Hades's shoulder with his fingers, gathering his thoughts together.

"Despite what you may think, I am not a fool, Hades. I am not blind to how much you despise your own deeds, and even if I wanted to I could not deny that they sound horrifying. But... whatever they turn out to be, we shall have to stay together, do you understand? For the sake of our world. You fear that I would run or hate you, but we both know that the fate of our people comes first, whatever we may feel. So I won't run, do you understand? All that you've done, good or evil, I would face. Face and judge you, yes, but not reject you. And if I am to have the resolve to do that, then I would ask of you to have the resolve to face my judgement without hiding."

He falls in towards Hythlodaeus. Though their disparate heights is a small irritant, it's a comfort now to be able to lean in and rest his head upon someone else's shoulder. His fingers curl into Hythlodaeus' sleeve, gripping tight. He almost feels like crying again.

After aeons alone, aeons fearing judgement, it feels too good to be true. It's not forgiveness (something he neither wants nor expects) but it is a level of kindness the world seems to have forgotten.

"...Very well," he says quietly. "I will not run from your judgement, whatever it may be. Even should the stars themselves fade, I will remain by your side. We shall tread the same paths, share in the same fate, and work to restore our world together."

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theyre gonna be the gayest flowers, get ready emet

he's not Ready

well i guess we know what we're doing for avalon springtime when they get flowers again :)

emet: one fear

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